aledawithwings's Xanga

Pace

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 01:35:54 GMT

I have been thinking lately about how exhausted I've been feeling. Fall tends to bring this out in me as I had mono once in college- and didn't know it at the time, stubborn me!- but I think every little cold makes me that much more tired than the average bear. I'm also having a female problem. I'd very much appreciate your prayers.
But what I am finding, and what my husband pointed out, is that I am what he calls a "sprinter". I run in a crazy blitz for longer than most people probably should, and accomplish more than most people may, and faster. But what happens on the flipside is that I'm wiped.
My american upbringing has not spoken to me about "pace" in a healthy way.
So many people I know go 9-5, microwave dinner, and pop in front of a TV or computer.
Other people I know go to yoga at 6:30, then go 9-6, or 7, or 8 and then perhaps go home, feeling obligated to put a seasonal, whole foods, macrobiotic, home cooked meal on the table. Then, house work, then they sit down and do more work, perhaps even some of it volunteer. Until bed, way to late.
So that's the two of them. Guess where I fit in?

So now that I'm sick- which always happens- I'm examining.

What got me here? Is this my own doing, from too much doing? And where did I learn these habits?

Well, Type A people were of course children with parental and educational influences, but what stands out to me most is college.

College is an excercize in the sprint. One month, chill, two months running like crazy, one month chill, two months running like crazy. And if you were like me- meaning you sometimes worked two or even three jobs, those sprint times were hella crazy. Every semester I would have days where I missed class to do homework for the class. And I can pin point some type of emotional breakdown, literally every semester I had. But for some reason, this was considered normal.

One time, in school, a counselor asked, "Nikki, what refreshes you?" I realized living under the pace of my parents and home life that I was forced into some stages of refreshment but not being able to drive myself and being forced to eat dinner etc. Since then, I had literally given no thought to what I had lost leaving home, I just went to do what I had gone to school to do- learn how to change the world, and start changing it.

However, forced to answer the question, all I could come out with was reading fiction. It was something I totally denied myself in school, I think because it accomplished nothing. I also liked getting manicures- boys, do not laugh, it is very relaxing and many members of the mafia get manicures. But, I told her, I did not feel like I deserved these pleasures. Or that I could offer this priviledge to myself.

That issue was left untouched by her and by me for the remainder of college (so much else to handle!), but I left with it, and almost five years since my graduation, I am now forcing myself to read, to stay home, to not cook, to cry when I need to, to stay home. The idea of sharing my weakness and sickness with co-workers (who I want to believe I've convinced I am invincible, though this is unlikely) was astonishingly painful.

More painful now is trying to figure out what a healthy pace looks like. What it would take to have permission to leave things undone. How I can be healthy without always being able to spend an hour and a half cooking. How I can get things done without working every evening. How I can say no when it is required. If people will like me if I get less done.

For sure though, four or five month spurts of 60 hour weeks... it is killing me. And I'm only twenty six. Two weeks off sick where I still worked 30 hours each week... it is killing me.

The American disease of rugged individualism is leaving me like a piece of wood, sanded against the grain, for hours.

I'd love your input.

The Feast of St. Jude.

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:31:41 GMT

Some of you who were following me around this time last year may remember the feast of St Jude we had last year.
This year, we're at it again, you're all invited BTW :)

St. Jude, in Roman Catholicism, anyway, is recognized as the patron (advocate, friend) of lost causes.

I find that when his day arrives, every year, I have a new cause to offer up on this day. Last year it was my marriage, and our finances, and our general fears about Buffalo. This year, I find Jude's day with a health problem I never expected and a nonprofit job that is almost completely unfunded.

What lost causes are you remembering today?

I've been thinking...

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 18:36:11 GMT

I learned so much in my five years of higher education. So, so much that I am grateful for.
But for all of it I think so much was lacking that should be covered.
I am thinking of forming an alternative college where Gen Eds go over some of the most useful skills many humans (including myself) never quite master.
So instead of Intro to Philosophy there will be: How to Ask a Question; in place of General Psych there will be: The Art of Comfort; instead of English there will be, Finding Time to Read as a Grown Up; instead of lame PE electives, there will be Exploring the Joy of Moving Your Body, and instead of Fine Arts there will be Developing a True Cultural Art System.

In this way, perhaps, our western world would stop being so heady, and start being joyful, playful and fun.

Entering Adulthood Kicking and Screaming

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 04:47:12 GMT

We're there.
That fatal moment that means one needs to decide to settle in, to be in one place, to put down roots.
We are pretty sure we are buying a house.

Granted, it is only 45k, and it is part of a ministry that seeks to plant Christians in neighborhoods at-risk, but it is still settling in, still laying down roots a little bit harder to leave than a year long lease. Soon, we will be the proud owners of a house... and it will have a backyard.

Furthermore, I also have what could be considered a grown up job. I manage a program for refugee women and, starting in March, will make what will be a fairly average wage for this part of the state. And I'll have benefits!

I guess something about all that brought me around to looking back at my old xanga posts from when Mark and I first met on here over three years ago (Dec 1st will be the 4th anniversary of his first comment to me). I was reading over my writing from seminary and what irked me then, what tickled me then, and my daily happenings are so different now that I can hardly even revisit them without mental effort. It's not that I don't like that "me". I do.

I thought more, I had more time to think outside of the "rat race" of daily living. I dialogued more, I philosophized more and vocalized it more using things like xanga. I shared my life more, especially with you all, and I examined it more. I celebrated more.

And the only thing I can think that squeezed it out of me was the entering of a "daily grind" with a full time job which was spurred on by pressing economic demands, spurred on in themselves by a college degree out of my price range, spurred on by two desires : 1- To change the world through ministry and 2- To be financially independent.

As for point one, what I currently do is probably world changing, and is colored by the learning of my degree, but is not directly correlated to my degree in any way. As for point two, I am now financially dependent in a worse way than to my parents. I'm dependent on my job, who is dependent on fickle grantors and foudnations.

Is it possible that adulthood will mean constantly seeking to undig a whole I dug believing it was in my best interest? The worlds best interest? Is it possible that I will trade all of my longing for knowledge, beauty, experience, etc, for survival.

I return to Maslow's heirarchy of needs. When I first heard of this triangled attempt to define human needs, I felt like it was self explanatory. It was a part of our missions training, we relearned it in urban ministry classes, we had it down pat. I really believed most americans were capable of achieving esteem and actualization, given the fact that most of us seem to have all we need.

Now I wonder if that is at all true. What if the access of debt and the increase of expense really does undermine our ability to meet our physiological needs? If not there, certainly it affects our feelings of safety- receiving bills we can't pay, threatening letters and calls every half hour... It's like harassment. It's an emotional battering.

What if this debt most americans accrue for one reason or another keeps us unsafe, and we can never reach actualization- which I imagine would involve a lot of creative thinking on bigger issues. Not being able to create, we instead consume, and become a part of a cycle that nearly enslaves us- or at least keeps us very still, and very quiet, in a very status quo way. (Perhaps this explains why student movements are so much more common than other kinds and why striking is the most unified employees ever seem)

What if the norm of adulthood is entrapment, a slavery, a brutal onslaught of 9-5 normative that kills the creative and the communal in favor of the consumptive capitalism we call American living.

Oh, friends.... how do we escape!?

Been Almost a Month

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 03:25:01 GMT

Gotta be honest, being ditched by all my xanga friends has made it easier to forget this page exists.
I have a real post that has been brewing for a long time. However, I currently lack the time or dedication.
Next week. Hang tight.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Sat, 09 May 2009 12:50:46 GMT

Hi friends,
Not much happening around these parts these days.
Mark and I have been making friends with this couple who we would never have guessed we'd like so much, which is so cool- we need more friends.
I started talking to my pastor about youth ministry options at our church and within 15 minutes became very very nervous. ( I think I have commitment issues!) It has taken me over two years to get to the place of possibly going back into ministry of any kind. I go to one the most liberal churches I've ever been to now, and love every minute of it, but I think I've learned that politics and expectations seem to be a part of every church, no matter how conservative or liberal. What I have found though is that in my liberal church people seem more mature, more ready to talk things out, more interested in true communication. (and as a side note, are better educated at higher quality schools)
I think the journey of my healing from past church injuries will probably need to bring me back to church ministry. I hope this experience is much more health-ful than my last. And I think it's beginning stages have been truly smart and that the first steps were very cautious and thoughtful.
In the mean time, I've been excited to read your thoughts on faith, peace, forgiveness, politics, etc. And I'm sorry not to have posted much. I am working on something in my back left lobe that should be mind blowing when it hits the web.

adulthood.

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 00:51:25 GMT

Does it seem to anyone else that doing something that doesn't naturally spring from the center of your soul for 40 hours every week just to pay to have electric is horrific and wrong? A crime against humanity even?

My ED suggested yesterday that I do more administrative work and (choke!) budget for the project I work on.
Now, I've typically taken on quite a bit of administrative stuff when it was needed, especially things I could view as big-picture "projects". But this new transition to me handling all left undone administratively... I actually don't think I can stomach.

I love my project and all it stands for, but I also understand my personality quite well and know that I need people and opportunities at creativity and brainstorming and project-goals and big picture stuff in order to feel happy and achieved at the end of each day. I am worried about how this will affect my ability to feel 100% there. I mean sometimes I guess we just muscle though things, but I don't think that that's the way to live 40 hours a week.

The good news is that, as I'm still healing, it would be quite nice to be able to work from home a bit and do some of this form developing etc, that I've been and will be working on. But whenever I do that I always worry that my immediate supervisory type person feels that I'm not being industrious, since she's pretty old school. I'm ready to be better, but I'm just not there, so obvious work to do outside of office would be quite nice, since I do a lot that doesn't show obvious immediate results all the time. Yet it has panned out to be quite a strong program because of those efforts and their "harvest" later on.

Urgh, adult life.

rainy days.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 12:32:42 GMT

It's been a bit since I posted.
I'll be honest, the lack of peeps still using xanga makes me feel like that awkward moment at a party when you realize everyone else suddenly stopped talking but your still talking really loud as if to talk over them.

I have decided that a second stage should be added to developmental psychology that should be called second adolescence. It would cover that awkward time post-college post-marriage and post-first-career where you are depressed about the prospect of growing up on someone else's terms. It would explain the quarter-life-crisis that keeps coming up in friends lives. And it would explain the difficulty so many have transitioning from college to real actual life. I have a bunch of friends who decided to all move to the same city and avoid this process entirely by making sure all their needs are met by each other exclusively and by staying only in temp jobs.
They are all marrying each other now and considering moving away. I don't think most will.

Does anyone else feel like that is a big friggen cop-out?

Monday, April 06, 2009

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 11:49:04 GMT

Mark and I had this awesome experience on this marriage retreat type thing this weekend. It was truly beautiful, I feel more in love than I did when we met. So... now I'm that much more vulnerable, which makes me nervous. But I'm also quite ecstatic about the whole thing.
Other recent developments include Mark's beer being almost ready to bottle!
We are thinking of having a ceremony to renew our vows come fall, more like how we had wanted the wedding to be in the first place and at our new church- to invite them into that decision we are making.
I'm also considering resigning from yoga-teacher-training until at least the fall. The trouble is, that means resigning from taking yoga there. But in honesty- I feel so exhausted and am still in so much pain from the accident that it almost makes more sense for me to only go to the free class I started in and the class on Thursdays at my gym.
I've also begun co-teaching a class to drug addicts in recovery, which I may need to give up. I'm wiped. And the commitment is at least an extra ten hours a week on what I am already doing. My only out has been that I am still not feeling healed and suffer greatly after attending a class. Sigh.
Americans are so busy. This week is so exhausting, this one happening now.
We sold a ton of stuff on ebay- mostly stuff we got for free or no longer use. The sad item to go is my awesome Epiphone Les Paul Custom. She is the essence of beauty, though still an epiphone, making her not the guitar of my dreams exactly, but pretty close. It did pay the rent this month, though. And car insurance.
Mark did replace his lost job with a temp job he seems to enjoy. I am hoping for something more permanent to open up, but his schedule now is almost exact to mine, making this the first time during our marriage that we will be able to regularly spend every weekend together.
Love!

Political Shennanigans

Sat, 21 Mar 2009 14:04:19 GMT

I've got a lot of thoughts, probably a few too many even, about politics in our day and age.
I've recently come to a conclusion that I think it both disturbing and illuminating.
It occurred to me that the right and the left seem to be asking different questions about the world we live in.
While the left is saying, "It is not right for people to feel the effects of poverty," the right is saying, "Either way, you and I and businesses shouldn't have to pay for it. We worked for our money and that's not fair either."
There is something noteworthy about both of these points. However, they seems to be a childish argument between two people who should be more creative for their age. If the question is poverty, surely the conversation should go a bit further.
But if you insert this question in the place of poverty, it seems super revelatory: "How can we continue to stimulate the economy to keep this beast afloat?"
At this point, money in the hands of the poor is extremely useful to our government and economy. And money not paid by corporations or rich folks to the government is also quite good for our government and economy.
Neither one really is a search to end poverty, liberate the ghettos, or expand education.
This is why we need to be very sure not to become Democrats or Republicans, but Christians. As Jesus will wave no one's flag, but not only that, neither one of them are wearing Christ-lapel pins.
Where is my primary citizenship?